- RELATED READINGS : CHILDREN & DEATH -

Monday July 2nd, 2007:

Article printed in The Age Sunday Life (pg 23 & 25)

Happy Never After?

With Harry Potter fans braced for the possibility their favourite character may die in the next book, it raises the question of how parents discuss death with their children. By Bernadette Clohesy.

Melbourne schoolgirl Xing-Xing Nui, 13, is counting the days until the new J. K. Rowling book, Harry Potter And The Deathly Hollows, is on sale on July 21. She's read all six in the series and is eager to see what happens next, She's heard the rumours, fuelled by Rowling herself, that two of the main characters will die in this seventh, and final, book.

Xing-Xing echoes many of Rowling's other young readers when she says, "It will be sad if Harry dies; if he does, there will be no more."

And if this happens, Rowling's book will join a long list of much-loved literary classics - among them Little Women. The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe, Seven Little Australians and Storm Boy ~ in which a main character dies. Often the empathy children feel with a fictional character sparks questions about their own mortality or the death of someone close to them.

Death is a difficult subject for parents to explain: they want to be honest but they don't want their  children to become fearful or anxious.

Grief counsellor Tim Adam, who speaks to children and parents as president of the Victorian branch of the National Association for Loss and Grief, understands this dilemma, "Death touches a raw nerve in all of us." he says, "and it's anxiety and concern that hold us back." But he feels parents should trust their instincts: "Parents have an understanding of where their children are at."

Melbourne couple Jacqui and Phil Brasher, who are in their mid-30s and have four boys, Thomas,11, Daniel, 9, Jordan, 7, and Elijah, 18 months, have already instilled in their three eldest sons their own Catholic beliefs about what happens after someone dies. "We believe people go to heaven," Jacqui says. "They can look down on you and you can talk to them and feel their presence." The boys are happy to talk about what they think happens to people when they die (see below).

On the website www.raisingchildren.net.au, Drs Robert Needlman and Laura Jana offer down-to-earth suggestions on how to talk with children about death. Their advice includes: don't dodge the issue; do use the word "death"; and don't try to hide your emotions from them. They also stress that parents should wait for their child to ask questions, although they add: "A child may let you know he is thinking about death non-verbally; for example, by drawing pictures of people lying down or by making things blow up in his play. If this happens, you can gently ask, 'Are you thinking about death?'"

Not everyone agrees death should be discussed with children. Chinese-born Huebe Truong is mother to Australian-born sons Samuel, 9, and Enoch, 7, and an accountant in Melbourne, "For me, I'd rather not introduce these things," she says. "I'd rather not create too much of an emotional response in them by trying to educate them about death and how to accept it when they are very young," She feels so strongly about this that if Harry Potter dies in the next book, she may not allow Samuel, who's finished the other six..
books, to read it, "I think stories should end nicely Otherwise, it is too hard for them," she says. "We will introduce those other sad things but gradually.'^

But Tim Adam believes fiction is a useful tool for " introducing children to the idea of death" I would not want to tell any parent how to raise their child.^ he stresses. "But my position would be that it is "probably quite good for kids to work their way through death in a story format. Being sad is part of what being a kid is all about, You are not able to protect your kids from their emotions.
"You could say they can't read the book but there will be other instances ... where they will come across deep sadness. A book is another way to go through some of that and learn how to handle it."

Adam advises parents to tailor the information to the child's age. "It's absolutely crucial," he says, "to consider the child's developmental stage." For those from a religious background, for example, he suggests simply telling a four-year-old that people go up to heaven. A 10-year-old, however, might want more details. You might say. "Grandpa will be taken to a funeral home and be made ready to go into the ground. Grandpa's body will be buried but his spirit will go up to heaven," He adds, "They may come up with other questions. But you have to be careful as to how much they can take on."

For Ragina Sivamayam, who is of Indian descent, raised in the Hindu religion and now living in Melbourne and working as an administration officer, it's been about adapting her beliefs to the _age and emotional development of her two children. She approaches difficult subjects such as death with her daughter, Jash, 15, in a different way than with her son, Vimaal, 9,

Sivamayam lost identical twin girls prematurely, at 20 weeks, before Vimaal was born. "Jash was small so I didn't tell her what had happened then," she says. "But as she grew older, she was always asking me why she didn't have a sister so I decided to tell her about the twins and show her the photos [taken after the babies were delivered]. Every anniversary I used to get very emotional, so I thought I should tell her. I've told Jash more than Vimaal because I think he is too young to understand."

Although Sivamayam is a devout Hindu, she hasn't passed on all of her beliefs about death to her children. "I don't tell my children they will be reincarnated," she explains. "Sometimes when things aren't going well for me, I say, 'I must have done something bad in my past life.' But I don't really believe it. How can I be responsible for something that I don't even know about?" The ultimate goal of all Hindus is to be in the presence of God in heaven and this is what Sivamayam tells her children when they ask questions.

Religious beliefs are often the cornerstones of discussions about what happens when people die. Both children and adults mention heaven as the place where their friends, relatives and pets go when they die. But what do people who have no religious beliefs tell their children when someone dies?

Jackie Van Vugt, director of communications and marketing with VicHealth. has had to comfort and counsel her two children, daughter Jaslyn, 12, and son Lucas, 10, since their father Paul died just over two years ago when he fell from a cliff while bushwalking in Victoria's Alpine National Park.

Van Vugt is an atheist and has no beliefs about an afterlife. "None of those beliefs are relevant to us," she says, "and so they weren't considered". She's very secure in the matter-of-fact way she talked to the children about their father's death. "I always talked about their dad's death as being normal - it can happen to anyone. It's a normal part of life.

"We are ail coping relatively well now," Van Vugt says. She puts this down to the support they received from their extended family, the inner-city Melbourne community in which she lives and the community school the children both attended. "All those people came to Paul's funeral." she says. "It was a celebration of his life. The children all did drawings of him in the bush - it was beautiful."

Somewhat surprisingly, Lucas (who was then only eight) was the most straightforward when it came to gaining information about what happened to his dad. "He asked a lot of concrete questions," his mother recalls, such as, "Where did Dad fall?" and "How could it happen?" Van Vugt didn't shy away from them. As (or the question, "Where is Daddy now?", she says her children have never needed to ask because they were with her when she scattered her husband's ashes from a cliff top.

It certainly hasn't been easy. Van Vugt never tried to hide the grieving process from her children. "They saw me sobbing many times,1' she says. She hasn't sought the help of a counsellor for herself or the children - yet. "They didn't appear to need counselling," she says. "Who knows? It might show up later. If it does, we'll deal with it then."

Tim Adam stresses that although you can't always fathom what children are thinking, the important thing is to give them a loving environment - just what has been provided for Van Vugt's children. And despite what her family has been through, Van Vugt says she would never stop her children from reading books or watching movies that deal with sad issues or where somebody dies. "Some of the richest books we ever read deal with difficult emotional topics." she says. "They are part of life's tapestry." •

What the children say:

Jordan Brasher, aged 7:    "More people go to heaven than hell because there are not many people who have been really bad and killed people."

Daniel Brasher, aged 9:    "When our fish died we chucked them in the bin. Heaven is just like your own home - like in the movie, Gladiator - when [Maximus] dies, it shows him going back to his home." .

Samuel Throng, aged 9:   "I don't think Harry Potter will die because there might be an eighth book."

Vinaai Sivamayam, Aged 9:   "A girl at my school died. We have a huge rock at our school with her name on it to remind us of her."

Thomas Brasher, Aged 11: "I think heaven will be in another dimension. It will be white and impossible to see where the doors are."

Xing-Xiny Nui, Aged 13:    "I'm not very religious but I think that when people die they probably go to heaven. I go to a religious school so it kind of gets hammered into my head."

Choice comments: A woman I know recently gave birth to a little boy.   Her two older boys, 3 and 5 asked her "if he was going to die too?"  Surprised by the question, she realized in time,  that they had equated the recent death of their very small dog with the tiny baby.  A 3 and 5 year old making the connection with being here and then gone was enlightening to their mother, she was able to reassure them that their baby brother wasn't going to die.  (while trying to dismiss the idea for herself but shocked by the question).

Reading of the Chinese lady Huebe Truong who has chosen to shield her children from the reality of death reminds me of a Chinese friend of mine, who colluded with the father of another child to keep knowledge of their mother's terminal illness from them.  They were adamant that the children were better off being kept in ignorance of their mother's impending death from cancer. 

 I tried explaining how the children would be even more bereaved having had no time in which to develop a sense of closure with their mother.   Here today, gone tomorrow? but where and why and how?  Could she leave us???  

And what of the dying mother's rights to engage with her children and accept all those aspects of not seeing them grow up?

Quite frankly I was horrified that the father was so selfish about his wife's rights to share her dying months with her children's full understanding of what was taking place for her.   Bad enough that she was dying so young but even worse that she should do it alone!

But accepting that my cultural heritage is not always shared by others.  I walked away from the discussion leaving both absolutely convinced of our own righteous viewpoint......

Another thought that struck me about Children and engaging them in the concept of "heaven" as with the Catholics, Perhaps older children attempt suicide more often than we know because they have no concept of the finality of death itself.....Perhaps they genuinely believe that heaven is a great place to be!.....At the same time they're taught not to kill (themselves or others) their young minds are constantly being bombarded with death with every computer game "killing the enemy", not to mention the real visions of genuinely very dead people on their television screens..

Eight fictional characters who die in their prime

The Little Match Girl

In this very sad fairytale by Hans Christian Andersen, a girl dies from hypothermia while trying to sell matches one cold winter's night.

The Lion King
King Mufasa, the father of Simba, dies in front of his son during a stampede.

Bambi
In the Disney animated movie, poachers shoot nambi's mother - the film then follows the fawn's heartbreaking search for her,

Seven Little Australians

 In Ethel Turner's classic tale, 13-year-old rebel da Lighter Judy Woolcot throws herself under a falling tree to save her brother.

Little Women
Louisa May Alcott breaks all our hearts when poor little Beth succumbs to scarlet fever.

Storm Boy
In Colin Theile's Australian story, lonely 10-year-old Mike finds solace in the companionship ot a pelican, Mr Percival, Later, Mr Percival is shot and killed by duck hunters.

Bridge To Terabithia

 In Katherine Paterson's book, fifth grader Jesse mourns his friend Leslie after she falls into a creek and drowns.

The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe

C, S. Lewis has Asian, "the greatest lion", sacrificed (but he comes back to life).

Storyline Australia: After Maeve

(As spoken of in my diary entry of September 22, 2006.  The parent's grief was shared with the audience in a manner which could not fail to portray the enormity of their loss).


Robin Oliver, reviewer
September 20, 2006

The story of how Maeve's parents immersed themselves in their daughter's private world.

Maeve Coughlan

Documentary Channel SBS: Date: Thursday September 21, 8:30 PM
Web link: Planet Creature website
Maeve Coughlan enjoyed a happy, imaginative childhood until, aged 10, she was killed in a traffic accident. She left behind drawings and writings about an unknown planet located just beyond Pluto that she called Planet Creature. There, cats reigned supreme and everything could fly. Creature had its own language and laws and was off limits to adults. After the accident, friends were convinced Maeve had gone to Planet Creature and tried to email her there.

This is the story of how Maeve's parents, Frank and Robyn Coughlan, immersed themselves in their daughter's private world, Robyn writing a book about it and the couple creating an animated website (www.planetcreature.com.au) where the planet comes to life.

                                                                                        ______
 

WHAT TO WE TELL THE CHILDREN? (advice from the Professionals)

One of the most difficult situations adults have to face is telling children that someone they love has died.

We worry that they won't understand, or that they will be emotionally devastated and we automatically try to protect them from hurt.

In fact, children handle death very well - often even better than adults do - and in reality may be more hurt, more frightened and more resentful if we exclude them from our pain or try and cover it up.

Children need to say goodbye to a loved one too.  They also need to be included in the family's grief so they don't feel rejected and left out of a family occasion.

They must be told as soon as possible that a person they care about has died, preferably by a parent or someone who is very close.  They need to be told the truth - not half truths or fairy stories which will only confuse them and may have adverse emotional effects later in life

Many people find comfort in religious beliefs and these may help children if they are already living in a religious atmosphere within the family.

What and how we tell the children depends entirely on their age and level of understanding.

SMALL CHILDREN UP TO ABOUT 6 YEARS OLD:

Very young children have no real concept of the finality of death.

They see cartoon films in which their favourite characters are blown to pieces, crushed, run over or fall of a cliff and then two seconds later, the same characters miraculously re-surface alive and well for some more adventure.

But when it is personal, small children do feel loss and grief and they do still understand sadness.  They need to know it's all right to feel sad.

They need lots of hugs and kisses and reassurances that everyone else is still there and that it wasn't their fault the person died.

We need to be very gentle and always honest in answering any questions they may have like:

"What does dead mean?"

Dead means that the life has gone and the body that is left can no longer do all the normal things like walking and talking, eating and sleeping, laughing and crying.   The body can no longer think or feel and in the case of someone who has died after a painful illness, there is no more pain.

"Why do We die?

The simplest explanation is that all living things on this earth die - it is part of the life cycle.   It can be compared to flowers in the garden - they start off as a bud, they grow and blossom into a flower, then the petals fall off and the flower dies when its time for living is over.

Animals also make a comparison particularly if the child has had a pet which had died or found a dead bird in the garden.  It makes us sad when an animal dies and it's okay to feel sad.

It's the same with people.  We are born as babies, we grow up into children and adults, then we grow old and die when our time for living is over.  It is a normal part of life, and it is all right to feel sad about someone dying.

It may help to explain that, although most people don't die until they are quite old, sometimes younger grown ups and even children might have an accident or illness and die.   Even though the doctors and nurses try their very best, they are unable to make them well again.

It is wise to simply and honestly answer children's questions as they ask them and not to go into long explanations.   Don't be surprised if small children keep coming back and asking the same questions over and over again.   Repetition is essential to help them understand.

YOUNG CHILDREN AROUND 6 - 10 YEARS OLD:

Child in this age group react to death in many of the same ways as adults do.   The feel shock and anger, they may deny that the death has occurred, they may blame other people for the death or feel guilty for not "being good" to the person who died.

One of the major problems for them is that they don't understand their own moods, and may regress to thumb sucking or bed wetting.  They may become aggressive with playmates, destroy their toys or throw tantrums.

Children's grief can manifest itself in many different ways, so it is a good idea to let them see that we are grieving too and share our tears with them.

Let them know they don't "have to be brave" and its okay to talk about someone who has died.

Children this age can be very curious about the physical aspects of death and funerals and their questions should be answered truthfully so that the fear of the unknown is eliminated.

"What Happens to the Body?"

They should be told gently what to expect at the viewing and funeral, and encouraged to attend so that they can say their goodbyes too.

It may help to explain that the real person (or the soul) of the person they loved has left the body (or the "house" in which they lived while it was here) and gone to a place that God has appointed for him or her.

All that is left is the body "house"  which no longer has any life and is cold to touch.

"What is the Difference between cremation and burial?"

Out of respect for the real person who was once alive, the body "house" is gently placed in a coffin and either buried or cremated.

With burial the coffin is lowered into the ground and covered and the body "house" gradually wears away until all that is left is bones in the ground.

With cremation, the coffin is carefully burned in a special kiln until all that is left are small pieces of bones which is then placed in an urn.  This can be kept by the family or disposed of according to the wishes of the deceased and their family.

Whatever questions the children ask, honesty and simplicity are the keys to helping them with their grief.   It is a good idea to ask them if what you have told them answered their question or would they like to know any more.   Reassure them that they can always come back later and ask any questions.

And if you don't know the answer to a question, don't be afraid to say so.  Parents are human too, and don't always have the answers.

CHILDREN AND TEENAGERS 11 YEARS AND OVER:

Children from about 11 years and over need to be treated as adults and, like adults, they will have difficulty understanding and handling their emotions.

Many teenagers bottle their feels up inside and appear to be cutting themselves off from the family.

As well as not being afraid to "break down" in front of them it will help if parents talk openly about the life and death of the deceased.  Sharing our grief will help them share theirs.

It is a good idea to talk around the dinner table, without the distraction of television, but not forcing them to contribute to the conversation.

It may help to draw out their grief by asking them for their suggestions on things like "When should we arrange this?" or "What do you think about ....?"

This approach can be especially helpful in the case of teenagers preparing for a loved one to die, perhaps a grandmother who is terminally ill.

If they don't want to contribute, don't worry about it or force them to answer.  Even if they don't answer, they will still know you care and will still feel involved.

If they can't express themselves, try asking them to give you a big hug so you don't feel so lonely.  Asking for their help with hugs and kisses, or even just holding hands can help everyone to express their grief and start to feel better.

Teenagers may need someone outside the family to talk to, so it is a good idea to let the school know someone close to them has died.   it may also help to let a sports coach or other group leader know of the death if the teenagers are involved in different activities.

Appropriate literature, not specially given to them but just left lying around the house, can also be valuable.   Some films or videos will also help - advice on these and any printed material can be sought from any qualified or experienced bereavement counsellor or educator.   Above all, we must talk with the teenagers and show them our support.

How can we help Children in their Grieving?

Just being there and sharing the grieving with them is probably the most helpful thing we can do.

Like adults, children need to express their feelings, and they need to share the experience with the rest of the family  -  not feel they are being left out of an important family occasion.

Children of all ages need to be involved, including being encouraged (though not forced) to attend the viewing of the deceased and to take part in the funeral.   Both these events should be explained in simple terms so the children know what to expect.

Giving young children a special job to do like carrying a flower or candle, or writing a letter or poem to place in the coffin, will give them a feeling of really belonging.   It will also help them to say goodbye and to understand the finality of death.

Many people believe that death is only the beginning of a new life for the deceased.  If religious beliefs can be explained in simple terms to the children, then this may help them in their grief - but don't be surprised if the children are angry at God for the death of the person.   It is quite a normal reaction at any age and God won't mind - He's got broad shoulders.

And if we are so overwhelmed by our own grief, we don't feel we have the capacity to help our children with theirs, this is when a close relative or friend should be enlisted to help, so the children don't feel abandoned by their grieving parents.

Children should be encouraged to read suitable books which may help them understand how they feel.  Refer to large book shops, Church book stores etc...

Produced by the Australian Funeral Directors Association

                                                            ______________________

A Life after Death Story for Children:

Once upon a time there were two butterflies, with green, gold and red wings, they were called Mr & Mrs Lovely. One day Mrs Lovely laid two little white butterfly eggs under a leaf, so that the rain wouldn’t give them a cold. After a few days the eggs hatched and out came two brown and yellow spotted hairy caterpillars; they looked around. One was called Ding, and the other one was called Dong; when they stood together they were Ding-Dong.

Ding said “I’m so happy being a caterpillar”.

“So am I”, said Dong. “We are both young, and we are going have a lovely time eating nice green leaves, playing caterpillar games and lying in the sun, and sleeping in the moon.”

They had a super time, sometimes birds tried to eat them, but no! Ding and Dong looked all smellypoo – and the birds didn’t want to. Ding and Dong used to eat a hundred leaves a day! They were very happy, but one day, they both started to feel very strange; they got all sleepy and they didn’t feel happy anymore. Their friend, a big black beetle called Tiggle Toggle said “I think you are both going to die!”.

‘Oh dear’ said Ding
‘Oh dear’ said Dong

“What happens when we die?” said Ding
“Well”, said the black beetle called Tiggle Toggle, “some people say you go to heaven.”
“What’s heaven like?” asked Ding and Dong.
“I don’t know” said Tiggle Toggle “People say it’s a place where God lives and when you die you go there and he makes you happy”.
“We don’t want to die,” said Ding and Dong. “We’re already happy!”
Then a deep voice said “There’s no such place as heaven”
They looked up and there was a big black vulture called Lumpy-Conk. 
“ When you die that’s the end of you” he said and flapped his wings.

Poor Ding and Dong cried – the next week Ding and Dong fell asleep, and slowly they turned into dirty brown cocoons. They stopped moving and became very still.
“Yes they’re dead” said Lumpy-Conk “I’m going to eat them all up”
But Tiggle Toggle the beetle said “Don’t you dare!, if you do, I’ll bang you on the beak with a conk hammer.” This frightened off Lumpy-Conk who flew away to his nest to play his banjo.

All winter the two little cocoons of Ding and Dong lay still, stuck to the leaves and everybody said “Poor things, they haven’t moved for over a year, they must be dead.” And everybody forgot about them except Tiggle Toggle the beetle, who came once a month and put little forget-me-not” flowers by the bodies.

But one sunny day Tiggle Toggle was walking along a branch to put flowers on Ding and Dong when he saw something magic happening!

The two little coffins of Ding and Dong split open….and out came two beautiful butterflies, scarlet and green and purple.

“Whoopee!” said Ding and Dong. “Look at us! We’re not dead anymore.” And they flew up and down the garden drinking honey from the flowers and playing aeroplanes. 

“Tiggle Toggle was right,” said Ding “This is better than being a hairy caterpillar.”

Tiggle Toggle the beetle was right, there is a heaven, and they flew through the summer gardens with thousands and thousands of coloured flowers………….

Written by Spike Milligan - Comedian and Author

                                            ____________________

Listening to Gloria Hunniford, the Irish author of Next to You.  A book based on her daughter who'd died of breast cancer, As the mother of a child who died she offered some advice to other mothers facing the pain.

You are consumed by the pain, but will survive.

No matter how hard the pain, you will smile again.  You will live through the pain, and around the pain and realize that eventually you just want to drop the "positivity" and accept the reality of the fact of death.  Her daughter spent seven years fighting to live for her young children.  There comes a time when acceptance is the healthier way to go.

But for me, her most important advice was:  REMEMBER YOUR OTHER CHILDREN, THEY TOO ARE GRIEVING, and even if extremely young, need your loving attention in spite of your own pain.!

Ms Hunniford named the book after one of the 8000 letters of sympathy she received in which there was a little verse which said

                                            ALTHOUGH YOU THINK I AM FAR AWAY - I'M NEXT TO YOU

                                                                                        ____________

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