November 13, 2007: This priceless gem came across my desk today
Subject: Note to self: 'Cancel credit cards prior
to death!
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless and so
easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past January, and ANZ bank billed her for February and March
for their annual service charges on her credit card, and Then added late fees
and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00, now is somewhere
around $60.00.
A family member placed a call to the ANZ Bank:
*Family Member:*
"I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
*ANZ:*
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
*Family Member:*
"Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
*ANZ:*
"Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
*Family Member:*
So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
*ANZ:*
"Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the
credit bureau, maybe both!"
*Family Member:*
"Do you think God will be mad at her?"
*ANZ:*
"Excuse me?"
*Family Member:*
"Did you just get what I was telling you .. . the part about her being
dead?"
*ANZ:*
"Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
*Supervisor gets on the phone:*
*Family Member:*
"I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
*ANZ:*
"The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
*Family Member:*
"You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
*ANZ:*
(Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
*Family Member:*
"No, I'm her great nephew."
(Lawyer info given)
*ANZ:*
"Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
*Family Member:*
"Sure."
(*fax number is given *)
After they get the fax:
*ANZ:*
"Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do
to help."
*Family Member:*
"Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing
her. I don't think she will care."
*ANZ:*
"Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
*Family Member:*
"Would you like her new billing address?"
*ANZ:*
"That might help."
*Family Member:*
" Rookwood Memorial Cemetery , 1249 Centenary Rd, Sydney Plot Number 69."
*ANZ:*
"Sir, that's a cemetery!"
*Family Member:*
"Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?"
August 11, 2007
A way of adding humour to the living will!
There's another one here based on Terry Schiavo
http://www.godvsthebible.com/schiavolivingwill.htm
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish
to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no
circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of relatives out for
gain, pinhead partisan politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology
if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors / hospitals simply
interested in running up the bills.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one
of the following:
___ a Martini,
___ a Guinness,
___ a mail order catalog,
___ a Bloody Mary,
___ a Gin and Tonic,
___ a Glass of Chardonnay,
___ a Steak,
___ Lobster or crab legs,
___ a new wardrobe
___ a bowl of ice cream,
___ Chocolate, or
___ Sex,
it should be presumed that I won't ever get any better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
At this point, it is time to call the Piper to come play "Flowers of the
Forrest" at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses
to toast the good times we have had.
Signature: ___________________________
Date: _____________________
May 13, 2007
Subject: The New Alphabet
A is for apple, and B is for boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now...
The Alphabet in 2007
A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C's the chest pains,
perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few,
just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T is for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have-- in my mind.
I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I am keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!!!
May 5th, 2007
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harleymotorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. Thecardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get the really big bucks like about $500,000 a year, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then
whispered to themechanic... ''Try doing it with the engine running."
April 25th 2007
They were 85 years old, and had been married for
sixty years.
Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched
their pennies. And, though not young, they were both in very good health,
largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last
two decades.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and
their plane unfortunately crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them
to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked
kitchen and a waterfall in the master bathroom.
A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your
home now."
The man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.
Why, nothing," St. Peter replied. "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf
course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on earth. What are the
greens fees?" asked the man.
This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for nothing, every day, any
time of day that you want."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every
imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic
desserts, free flowing beverages.
Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for
you to enjoy." The man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated
tea?" he asked.
That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you
like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is heaven!"
The man inquired, "No gym to work out at?"
Not unless you want to," was the answer.
"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
Never again. All you do is enjoy yourself."
The man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins.
We could have been here twenty years ago!"
Sunday April 15, 2007
Found On actual Headstones! (pity cremation
will halt these witty sayings)
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on
The way down.
It was.
********************
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
********************
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767
********************
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace:
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
********************
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me For not rising.
********************
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
********************
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
********************
A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.
********************
John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England,
Cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art In want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep; And thou wilt find a Penny.
********************
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle Went out of tune.
********************
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna -
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
********************
On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God
********************
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, you soon will be.
Prepare yourself and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent, Until I know which
way you went.
March 29, 2007
Subject:
English Punctuation
An English professor wrote the words :
'A woman without her man is nothing'
on the
chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.
All of
the males in the class wrote:
'A woman, without her man, is
nothing.'
All the females in the class wrote:
'A woman: without her, man is
nothing.'
Punctuation is powerful
*
January 24, 2007
A story told many years ago to a group of volunteers
There was a review on ageing people and housing, and the St Laurence in Melbourne assessors, went into this old gentleman's place. He was a cheeky guy, getting on in age and quite frail. Asking him what services he might like, perhaps someone to come in and make up his bed every morning?
The elderly gentleman responded quickly: "Oh No, let that lot in to make up your bed, and the next thing you know - they're making up your bloody mind!".
January 18, 2007
When Insults Still had Class............ Contribution from John's friend's newsletter
He has all the virtues I dislike and none
of the vices I admire." ~ Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." ~ Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great
pleasure."
~ Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the
dictionary."
~ William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" ~
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading
it." ~ Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." ~
Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." ~ Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of
it." ~ Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." ~ Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a
friend... if you have one." ~ George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
~ Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." ~
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." ~ John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." ~
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." ~
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." ~ Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy." ~ Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." ~ Jack E.
Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." ~ Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human
knowledge." ~ Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent
hard work, he overcame them." ~ James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." ~
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." ~ Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" ~
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." ~ Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." ~ Oscar
Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather
than illumination." ~ Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." ~ Billy Wilder
January 14, 2007:
Summary of Life as contributed by Jim....
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't
baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second
person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly
to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is
optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you
once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
SUCCESS:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
Always remember to downplay the troubles that pass your way;
BUT NEVER forget the possibilities that each new day can bring.
Take the time to live!!!
Life is too short. Dance naked.
(Now that is one thing perhaps
Christians, Jews and Muslims would agree on....Modesty requires we don't
dance naked but perhaps we could do that "innocent act", and keep to
the Good Book in more important writings.... Like loving your neighbor as
yourself!!!) now I am getting serious again and this page is just about
smiles.....Imagining Me, dancing naked makes me not only smile but creates a
mental belly laugh...ah to be young again.....no thanks.....)
Thought for the day:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on
Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there
should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
Somebody once asked a Zen Master what
happens after death.
He replied, "I don't know."
"But you're a Zen Master!"
"Yes, but I'm not a dead Zen Master."
Forwarded by Alex, December 9, 2006:
While walking down the street one day a US
senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven
and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there
is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so
we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the man.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have
you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to
spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,
down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green
golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are
all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake
his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at
the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and
champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good
time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before
he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit heaven."
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose
your eternity."
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never
have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell."
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to
hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I don't
understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a
golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne,
and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
campaigning"......
Forwarded by Jim. August 9, 2006
In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a
long, long time.
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, and when he turned to
leave, she approached him for an interview.
"I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall
and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for
all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety
and friendship."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"
"Like I'm talking to a brick wall."
July 1, 2006
New Living Will Form:
I, _________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be
kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead
politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the
bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at
least one of the
following:
______Brandy and water
______Glass of wine
______Margarita
______Martini
______Irish Whiskey
______Steak and baked potato
______Chicken fried steak and cream gravy
______Mexican food
______Hamburger and fries
______Pizza
______Fish fry
______Prime rib
______The remote control
______Bowl of ice cream
______Double Espresso
______Chocolate
______pitcher of beer
______Sex
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and
attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a
day.
Signed,
June 24, 2006
Suicide attempt
At the 2004 Australia Skeptics National Convention a group of people
attempted to commit suicide by taking a large number of homeopathic sleeping
tablets. They failed, and at the time of writing they are all still in good
health. (Disclaimer: As a true skeptic, the Web Wrangler must state that
unless he contacts all of the other parties right now, he can only say for
certain that one of the pill-takers is still alive. He has good reason to
believe, however, that someone would have told him if any of the others had
died in the last day or two.)
The supplier of the magic pills has risen above the radar again, and there
may be a bigger story about that here soon.
In the meantime, the Web Wrangler, in his capacity as general all-round
skeptic and published author on the nonsense of homeopathy, was challenged
by a homeopath to take some magic 200C belladonna pills. He did so in front
of an audience of more than 100 people at a recent dinner held by Australian
Skeptics, and is still alive enough to type this a week later. A fuller
account of the challenge and how it unwound will be here shortly, but while
you wait you can watch him put his life (and his skeptical reputation) at
risk in the video below.
Choice says: As this article was pinched from the skeptics website http://www.skeptics.com.au/
there will be no video show. I found the article "humorous" only in the
appalling efforts of a greedy cheat who would prey on the sick and infirmed
to peddle their poison of a different kind. Thank goodness for the skeptics
who called their bluff!
May 23, 2006
There are a couple of young ladies (and I am sure dozens of men) that absolutely adore their computers and feel like their right arm has been removed when their computer coughs and retires to bed, wounded and unable to function (just like we humans) on a regular basis. This prayer is dedicated to their "God" whoever she may be.
Dear Lord,
Every single evening
As I'm lying here in bed,
This tiny little Prayer
Keeps running through my head:
God bless all my family
Wherever they may be,
Keep them warm and safe from harm
For they're so close to me.
And God, there is one more thing
I wish that you could do;
Hope you don't mind me asking,
Please bless my computer too
Now I know that it's unusual
To Bless a motherboard,
But listen just a second
While I explain it to you, Lord.
You see, that little metal box
Holds more than odds and ends;
Inside those small compartments
Rest so many of my friends.
I know so much about them
By the kindness that they give,
And this little scrap of metal
Takes me in to where they live.
By faith is how I know them
Much the same as you,
We share in what life brings us
And from that our friendships grew.
Please take an extra minute
From your duties up above,
To bless those in my address book
That's filled with so much love.
Wherever else this prayer may reach
To each and every friend,
Bless each e-mail inbox
And each person who hits "send."
When you update your Heavenly list
On your own Great CD-ROM,
Bless everyone who says this prayer
Sent up to GOD.com.
Amen
Wishing you God's richest blessings always
May 20th, 2006
Some times you just can't take chances.
A woman and her ever-nagging partner went on vacation to Jerusalem. While
they were there, the nagging partner suddenly passed away. The undertaker
told the woman, "You can have him shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury
him here in the Holy Land for $150."
The woman thought about it and told him she would just have him shipped
home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your partner
home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
$150?"
The woman replied, "I've heard the stories, and it seems that long ago a man
died here, was buried here, and later he rose from the dead. I'm thinking, I
just can't take that chance.
May 9th 2006
"Hey mate" said the back seat taxi passenger, tapping the driver on the
shoulder
The driver screamed and lost control of the cab, nearly hitting a bus,
mounting the kerb and stopping just centimetres from a huge plate-glass
window.
For a few minutes everything was silent.
Then the driver gasped, "Your scared the daylights out of me!"
"I'm sorry" said the passenger. "I didn't realise a tap on the shoulder
would frighten you so much."
"It's not your fault," the driver replied. "Today is my first day driving a
taxi. I've been driving a hearse for the past 25 years".
May 1st, 2006 (Perhaps not so much humorous as profound, a lighted hearted lesson)
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they
haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it
was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up
dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on,
I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't
suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the
word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you
watched 'The Simpsons' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to
lunch in a half hour?" She would "hum and ah" and stammer, "I can't. I have
clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a
late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's
Monday." . She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches..
We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the
conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained.
We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet. We'll go on a second
honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and
the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and
all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan
on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and
available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for
life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to
trade your bad feet for a pair of Rollerblades and skip an elevator for a
bungee cord.
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just
that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and
eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought
a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have
died happy.
Now, go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something
on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone
call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are
you waiting?
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the
rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or
gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the
fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores
running through your head? Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And
in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship
die? Just call to say "Hi"?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened
gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music
before the song is over.
To those I may not express the words... I cherish our friendship and
appreciate all you do.
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here, we might
as well dance!"
April 20th, 2006
Bumper Sticker Statements, I thought amusing - though not necessarily the
view of the management.
God is my co-driver
Smoking is a dying habit
Undertakers are financed by Overtakers
Draw on your strength, not on a cigarette
Firemen are Ladder Day Saints
Radiologists expose you for what you are
My boss is a Jewish carpenter
JESUS SAVES - but not on my salary
My future is not what it used to be
Have a nice forever
Jesus Saves: Moses invests
Drink Driving has Grave Results
Have Jesus will share
CANCER CURES SMOKING
Since I gave up Hope, I feel much better
No God, no Peace - Know God, know Peace
You'll never get out of this life ALIVE
Surfing is life - The rest is details
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
April 10th, 2006
Hymns
Good morning, and welcome to our hymn sing. We are pleased to announce that
we have a hymn for everyone. Our program this day will include:
The Dentist's Hymn Crown Him with Many Crowns
The Weatherman's Hymn There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor's Hymn The Church's One Foundation
The Tailor's Hymn Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer's Hymn There Is A Green Hill Far Away
The Politician's Hymn Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist's Hymn Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRA Agent's Hymn I Surrender All
The Gossip's Hymn Pass It On
The Electrician's Hymn Send The Light
The Shopper's Hymn Sweet By and By
The Realtor's Hymn I've Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapist's Hymn He Touched Me
The Doctor's Hymn The Great Physician
______
And for you motorists...
45 mph
God Will Take Care of You
55 mph
Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
65 mph
Nearer My God To Thee
75 mph
Nearer Still Nearer
85 mph
This World Is Not My Home
95 mph
Lord, I'm Coming Home
Over 100 mph
Precious Memories
April 8th 2006
A man and his wife were sitting in their living room chatting about this and that and he said to her, “Just so you know, if I ever have an accident or stroke or something happens to me I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on a machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.” The wife got up, unplugged the T.V., and threw out all his beer.
April 6th 2006
It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man
only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer
How to Make "Choice" Happy
1. Be a Vet!
2. Showing up naked is optional if male. This option is discriminatory, I realise, with apologies to female vets but, but, but
3. Bring Nembutal, eg Anstensal, in preference to beer and I'll provide the wine!
Odd Spot. the Age, 28 March 2006
Bosses at a Stockholm hospital have asked a nurse called Jesus to change his name after concerns that patients told "Jesus is coming soon" might get confused and think they were already dead. Jesus will now use his middle name, Manuel.
Not so much humorous, just a lighter touch to how observers see each other's differences. I'm not sure whether I come under the Atheism or the Agnosticism. But hey! what about TV Evangelism? as someone who sits up at 4am, the writer who thought all these up, got that in one!
"Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day.
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death praying for a fish." (Reprinted
from Freethinker -- UK)
COMPARING RELIGIONS
Scientology: Stuff happens if you don't get up
the bridge.
Taoism: Stuff happens.
Buddhism: If stuff happens, it's not really stuff.
Islam: If stuff happens, it is the will of Allah .
Protestantism: Stuff happens when you don't work hard enough.
Judaism: Why does this stuff always happen to us?
Hinduism: This stuff happened before.
Catholicism: Stuff happens because you are bad.
Hare Krishna: Stuff happens rama rama.
TV Evangelism: Send more stuff.
Atheism: No stuff.
Jehovah's Witness: Knock, knock, stuff happens.
Hedonism: There's nothing like good stuff happening.
Christian Science: Stuff happens in your mind.
Agnosticism: Maybe stuff happens, maybe it doesn't.
Existentialism: What is stuff anyway?
Stoicism: This stuff doesn't bother me.
Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this stuff.
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a
baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much
discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded,
so would his pay cheque
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided
to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much
yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were
costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from
God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain
is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."
And the congregation said, "Amen."
Sorry, Wrong Address!
A couple decided to go to Cyprus for the weekend, but because they both worked
it was hard to coordinate their diaries. So they decided the husband would go
a day early, and his wife would join him the following day. On arriving, the
husband thought he would email his wife from his laptop, but he accidentally
mistyped her email address and sent it off without realizing.
A widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of
many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The
widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends, but
instead found this:
To: My Loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've Arrived!
I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared
for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your
journey is as uneventful as mine was. (P.S. Sure is hot down here!)
Malaysian Hell
A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different
hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks, "What do
they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an
hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German
devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on. He checks out
the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they
are all more or less the same as the German hell. Then he comes to the
Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to
get in. Amazed he asks, "What do they do here?"
He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they
lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in
and whips you for the rest of the day." "But that is exactly the same as all
the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?"
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone
has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government
servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down
there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair
that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
Subject: Cat in Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said,
You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for
the
asking."
The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and
slept on
hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy
pillow.
A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to
Heaven
together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made
to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from
cats, dogs
and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates,
we would
never have to run again.
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little
roller skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her
sound asleep on her fluffy pillow.
God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have
you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy
in my life! My pillow is fluffy,
and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious.
A priest was being chased by a lion. Finally, when he couldn't run anymore, he
stopped and knelt down to pray. To his surprise, the lion also stopped and
folded his hands.
"What a miracle!" the priest exclaimed.
"Miracle?' said the lion, "I'm saying grace."
SPECIAL POEM FOR SENIOR CITIZENS!!
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know...........
Is what tells each one where to go!
There's always a
lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking
how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
And last but not least this little gem from “My God”. If you cannot see the menu, click here for an alternate menu
Gaily I lived, as ease and nature taught,
And spent my little life without a thought,
And am amazed that Death, that tyrant grim,
Should think of me, who never thought of him.
Anonymous: Epitaph